I Know Whom I Have Believed

It was Fall of 2008 when I found myself sitting in a very chilly room surrounded by people I'd only recently met. Looking around at the weathered faces, each one seemed to have an inspiring, yet difficult, story to be shared. Indeed, they were originating from all across the globe, and though English was spoken, each person had to adjust his own version of this language to communicate with one another. We were a rag-tag group of people that loved Jesus and wanted to see His name lifted high throughout the world. Currently we all found ourselves in Eastern Europe, though many had worked in numerous other locations prior to being there among us. We had congregated for an international church service on a Sunday evening. The speaker was from Northern Ireland, and I found myself enthralled with his accent and different way of interpreting the text he was preaching from. The 'romantic-ness' of being overseas had faded (or truthfully never really been there for me), but I think I'll always be a sucker for accents and learning new cultures! Though this evening was many years ago, I still remember in depth various points he made. God was moving in my heart!

He preached out of 2 Timothy 1, talking about suffering. And while I'd had a pretty rocky go at life since I was a kid, I found myself unable to relate. You see, the suffering I'd been through had been some hard knocks of life that are caused by living on a sinful, very broken planet. He spoke of suffering for the Gospel's sake. As I sat there, I began to dialogue with Jesus: "I don't feel I can relate to what he's speaking about. I mean, I love You with all my heart, but I can't say that I've ever really suffered, suffered for Your Name sake. Going without some of the conveniences of life that I'm used to isn't really classified as suffering..." I was 24 years old at the time, which makes me laugh that this was such a struggle then (looking back from my 30's now), but God gently spoke to my heart one word: "Singleness."

Later that night, alone in my bedroom, I thought on this passage with that word inserted in the meditation: "...for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." Little did I know how much, in the coming years, this passage would minister and sustain my heart through the ache of loneliness. There were instances I feel I could've been married had my passion not been so strong and my heart not so fully devoted to living missionally. Granted, I'm probably the most flawed, imperfect person to ever seek to live that calling out, but nonetheless, it has been my heart's desire since I was young to love the lost and minister to the broken. I'm sure those characteristics are at the top of some man's list for a wife somewhere in the world, but I've yet to meet him as a single man. So, I press on day after day, knowing that what has been entrusted to me by the Lord (my singleness) will be protected and guarded by Him until He deems it best to release me to something else.

It's not easy to rest in this, but I love thinking upon the part of the verse that makes it worthwhile: "for I know whom I have believed..." What a phrase! When we know God's beautiful, good, loving, generous, Abba/Daddy heart, we can find rest, even when things are ugly, hard, lonely, sad, pain-filled, seemingly never-ending, etc. His character is enough to convince me that He is able!